LEARN TO COMPROMISE AND COOPERATE:

Most important is to learn the art of compromise or cooperation. Sometimes this involves the sharing of household chores or responsibilities and offspring raising responsibilities. Sometimes it means mutually sacrificing some pleasant time for the benefit of the family unit.

An example of compromise or an exchange of mutual sacrifice may be as follows. The husband may ask the wife to sacrifice something and the wife may ask the husband to sacrifice something in return. For example, the husband may sacrifice some pleasant time with his buddies or watching sports to spend more time reading to, playing with, and helping offspring with homework. In exchange the wife may sacrifice some time and save money by not shopping for clothes and jewelry so often.

Sharing the household chores by both spouses is possible. Cooperating or assigning responsibility for a given household chore to one spouse is the common way of doing things so you don’t have to alternate responsibilities on a daily or weekly basis. In either case it can be seen as both spouses sacrificing their time and energy or fulfilling their responsibilities in a cooperative way.

The compromise is really an exchange of behavioral changes. “If you do this which is what I want then I will do what you want.” Priorities are changed in each compromise and your old priorities or what you spent most of your time with will change and make room for other priorities considered to now be more important.

Most compromises and cooperative behaviors initially may feel like sacrifices of pleasant old habits which are hard to change unless you have an optimistic courageous attitude that the change is for the better and the new modified habit or changed behavior is really going to be mutually beneficial.

Out with the old and in with the new viewed courageously and enthusiastically is the key to successful happy compromises. In effect, the time, energy, and money spent on an old habit will be modified and more time, energy, and money will be spent on the new now preferred habit.

Compromising can really be thought of as an ability to cooperate in a relationship so that both parties mutually benefit in some way.

TRY TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS WITH DISCUSSION RATHER THAN ARGUMENTS.

If there is a conflict or difference of opinion then you can seek to resolve it, ignore it, or learn to live with the differences of opinion or agree to disagree. How important the issue is should determine whether there is an urgent need to resolve it or if it is rather insignificant and can be ignored for some time without serious consequences. If the issue is not urgent and important then switching from argument mode to discussion mode is the preferred way to do it.

Arguments are confrontational with aggressive words and defensive verbal reactions which inflame emotions and make it harder to agree on something because it is a winner take all approach, or one side must win and the other side must lose. Sometimes the urgency is so great that immediate action is necessary and there is no time for smart discussion and you may have to give in to an emotional fit.

When a problem is not that urgent then there is time for discussion which may last a few minutes or hour and the problem may be resolved over the course of a few days or even few weeks. Sometimes a problem must be researched or a resolving opinion gotten from a friend so one time discussions are not always the rule but in fact rather infrequent because most serious problems need much time to resolve and this means resolution within a few days or few weeks.

Discussion is not easy to learn because one spouse may be very verbal and talk their head off while the other may be one with few words and not very skillful with give and take conversation.

Most arguments are about not doing something which should be done or about doing something bad which shouldn’t be done. Women are usually the ones trying to make you feel guilty about never doing something or always doing what they consider to be bad.

The key to conflict resolution is sometimes a question of doing something more frequently or not doing something as frequently since old habits die hard and are not easy to change overnight. Sometimes conflict resolution is promising to do something more often or not doing something so often since completely eliminating or radically changing the behavior is usually almost impossible to do realistically. Women who try to change their husband’s behavior overnight or with incessant nagging are doomed to fail so it is a good idea not to marry someone with too many behavioral drawbacks which need reforming.

FORGIVE AND TRY TO FORGET:

Confrontational attacking emotional arguments demonstrating verbal aggression can quickly degenerate into insults, name calling, put downs, and ridicule which hurt feelings and elicit vengeful defensive feelings. Being called stupid, crazy, worthless, scum bag, etc. really need an apology sooner or later so forgiving one for these transgressions is often vital to maintaining respect or trust in a relationship.

If it is not an unforgiveable moral transgression such as lying or adultery the behavior can usually be forgiven but trying to forget passionate insults, name calling, put downs, and ridicule is very hard to do realistically so try not to argue if arguing brings out the worst in you. Sometimes tone of voice is very important and there are sometimes nice ways to ridicule and put someone down without stirring up permanent vengeful feelings.

Crappy arguing should sometimes be forgiven with more than just an apology. A promise to do something nice may be the best solution to severely offending a spouse. Kiss and makeup are vital to a lasting marital relationship.

BE TRUTHFUL AND NOT VERY HURTFUL:

Never be afraid to reveal your true likes and dislikes to a spouse in a calm manner but be cautious not to utter something in intense emotional anger which you wish you could take back later but can’t once it leaves your mouth. An honest or truthful relationship will maintain an atmosphere of trust and respect so vital to a lasting relationship. A spouse will often forget what you did wrong given enough time but harsh words said in anger can leave permanent emotional scars which can last a lifetime.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR CORE MORAL VALUES:

Despite differences in personality and viewpoints it is important to maintain your core values such as integrity, dependability, promise fulfillment, loyalty, faithfulness, and friendliness. You can offend once in a while, make mistakes occasionally, and do some bad things along the way but you should never lie or commit adultery which are the most important core moral values.

PLAY BY THE RULES:

Each household has rules which are basically household responsibilities to be carried out by each spouse. Sharing in household responsibilities and/or a division of work or household responsibilities is the way that responsibilities are usually divided up. In no situation should one radically feel that they are doing all the work or have all the responsibilities and the other partner has none or very little.

SUPPORT INDIVIDUAL INTERESTS:

There is nothing as nice as having shared interests such as offspring to maintain a bonding relationship in marriage but there are marriages where each spouse may have very important interests outside the family and these should be encouraged as much as possible.

Encouraging the growth of outside interests makes for an interesting relationship which should never get boring since there is always something new to discuss which one spouse has not experienced. Very dependent interactive relationships can last a long time but independent activity can lead to more fulfilling lives for both spouses and a great pride in personal accomplishment too.

Two working spouses is increasingly becoming the norm for financial reasons alone and even though there is a risk that career priorities may lead to a geographical breakup of a relationship the ultimate resolution of the potential problem may be to relocate geographically to the area where one spouse will be making the largest income.

BE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE:

One of the major reasons for divorce is financial instability which is caused by having offspring too soon or spending too much money during marriage, getting into overwhelming debt, and having to declare both financial and marital bankruptcy.

Budgeting money is the key to not overspending on big cars, big houses, many clothes, too much eating out and expensive vacations.

With the technological revolution job security is no longer a guarantee for a lifetime so continual selfeducation or learning new useful skills for a job are becoming increasingly vital to stay financially afloat.

Financial recklessness or irresponsibility will make a bad relationship worse and terminal and a good relationship is not really possible in the real world.  If you can’t control your money then you will not be able to control your relationship successfully.

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