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If you liked this evergreen truth blog then read more of them, about 4700 so far, or read one or more of my evergreen truth books, especially EVERGREEN TRUTH, rays of truth in a human world filled with myths and deceptions.
For a complete readily accessible list of blogs and titles go to twitter.com/uldissprogis.
Enjoy!!!!!!
If you enjoyed this blog then here is a list of my most popular ones which you may also enjoy!!!
If you liked this evergreen truth blog then read more of them, about 4500 so far, or read one or more of my evergreen truth books, especially EVERGREEN TRUTH, rays of truth in a human world filled with myths and deceptions.
For a complete readily accessible list of blogs and titles go to twitter.com/uldissprogis.
Enjoy!!!!!!
If you enjoyed this blog then here is a list of my most popular ones which you may also enjoy!!!
Contention: n. attempting to dominate physically and/or verbally by arguing
Arguing is really trying to dominate another human physically and/or verbally and anyone experiencing this is a victim of contention or contending.
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Truculence: n. being aggressively eager to argue and/or fight
A hot head can frequently be accused of truculence because not only are they emotionally unstable some of the time and are eager to argue but many hot heads chose to display their aggressiveness physically too and wind up fighting when they shouldn’t. A truculent spouse can be a nightmare of an abusive relationship.
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Seeking approval:
Some humans are too committed to trying to please others and getting praised for it. Doing things and saying things and then expecting or hoping for human approve of what you do will create much frustration because frankly most humans don’t care that much about you daily trials and tribulations.
They are too much involved with their own lives to care that much about your own, especially if they are just casual friends or acquaintances.
Seeking approval from offspring by trying to please them too much will create overly dependent offspring not being so good at living independent lives and close friends will probably start making unreasonable demands on you if you are too intent on pleasing them.
Living through others:
Getting too involved in the lives of you offspring or spouse and valuing their successes or failures as your own will not only seem like being a busy body but you will sacrifice having a worthwhile life of your own pursuing what you really want or like in life.
You effectively become a parasite on other humans mainly reveling in their successes and stressing through their failures. Take time out for your personal wants and interests too to create more balance in your life.
Frustrated with absence of progress:
If you spend much of your time in frustration with your own absence of progress in life or that of your offspring, spouse, or close friends then you may start complaining much and repelling others.
The key to overcoming frustration is to set smaller achievable goals in life and succeeding at them. When you do start succeeding then your level of frustration should decrease.
Spying:
Spying on someone like your offspring or spouse is a sign of distrust and the feeling may be heightened if you have offspring or spouse who hide things from you and lie to you.
Spying is a sign that you no longer have a trusting relationship with humans and that you are either an untrustworthy human yourself or that you gossip too much about your offspring and spouse to others and your offspring or spouse no longer trust you to be confidential with sensitive information.
Spying on a potentially cheating spouse is common in modern society and it is sometimes necessary to get to the truth of the matter.
Gossiping:
Gossiping is really spreading rumors which may not be true and it can hurt someone’s reputation and even your own if it is not the truth.
If you are not sure about the truth of a rumor then don’t spread it before checking the source and by all means avoid spreading rumors from a known unreliable source, especially humans who you rarely know and can’t determine whether they are lying or not.
Chit chatting about humans is not always gossip if you basically stick to real truthful things which they are doing in life.
Ignoring spouse, offspring, or close friends:
Behaving like important humans in your life don’t matter to you by ignoring them is a form of isolating yourself from humans and having a failed relationship or a very small relationship at best.
You can ignore bad humans and humans who are trying to take advantage of you but ignoring humans who you should care about is a communications or relationship breakdown.
Fighting and/or arguing in public:
If you fight or argue in public then you will not only embarrass whom you are fighting or arguing with but you will also develop a bad reputation as an inconsiderate hothead among other humans.
They will begin to think that you have severe relationship problems with your family and interacting with other humans.
Try not to fight or argue in the first place and if you do then do so privately.
Depending on luck:
If you feel that good things will happen if you are lucky then you will probably stop preparing for opportunity and not be able to grab it when it does come along.
Luck has played some role in many human’s lives but they have usually prepared themselves with personal effort and are ready to qualify or deserve the luck when it does come along.
Nagging:
Nagging is a form of complaining and the squeaky wheel frequently gets the grease or something is done about the complaint.
However, if there is too much nagging or squeaking then there is the possibility that the nagging or squeaky wheel will be ignored or the source of the nagging abandoned.
Control freak:
Some humans are control freaks or try to control others and events as much as possible. Control freaks are frequently tyrants who want things done their way or no way at all and it is the source of much arguing, disagreement, and bad feelings.
Harmonious living with a control freak is usually not possible unless you are a docile subservient human seeking to avoid responsibility for your own actions.
In a democratic society the tyrannical control freak is frequently dysfunctional and will only be happy if moved to another culture which idolizes controlling types.
Tyrannical husbands who want total control over offspring and spouse are getting exceedingly rare these days in the west unless they are controlling bosses at work and carry on the bad relationship habit at home.
Feeling victimized:
If you feel victimized by humans and circumstances then chances are that you will not be struggling that hard trying to improve things or the situation.
The “poor me” attitude frequently wanting sympathy from others will frequently backfire with humans not willing to offer you any sympathy and usually not wanting to have relationships with you either.
Misery loves company and if you do have any friends left they will be leading similar miserable lives and you will be wallowing in your misery a long time.
Living in the past:
Old humans with little life left frequently live in the past recalling past experiences and retelling their life stories over and over again to whoever will listen.
Some ex jocks or athletes and young movie or TV stars also live in the past and frequently wish they were young again and able to compete or function at the same high level.
If these aging relatively young humans don’t find other worthwhile careers or interests to pursue they frequently become alcoholics and drug abusers and lead very dysfunctional unhappy lives.
If you liked this evergreen truth blog then read more of them, about 1200 so far, or read one or more of my evergreen truth books, especially COMMON SENSE, rays of truth in a human world filled with myths and deceptions.
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Tolerance: n. having the ability to let a belief(s) and/or a moral behavior(s) to exist without attacking it and/or arguing against it immediately
If you have strong personal beliefs and opinions but do not attack or argue immediately against opposing views unless absolutely necessary then you are a tolerant individual.
You can promote your strong beliefs and opinions with humans who share them but that does not mean that you have to challenge different beliefs and opinions at every turn. If you try to avoid confrontations and arguing about politics, religion, and sports then you are a smart tolerant individual.
Being tolerant of criminal and immoral behavior such as lying, stealing, and adultery promotes chaos in society and you can be considered to be an anarchist trying to destroy society if you do so.
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Criticism: n. a communication with disapproval for too much deviation from normative standards of perfection and/or complete standards of perfection for a subset(s)
Almost all of us have been criticized for not looking good, not doing the right thing, or having an opinion or belief which is unacceptable or wrong. Our first reaction is usually very defensive and we frequently decide to defend ourselves or get very upset at the criticism. When you criticize another human keep in mind that they may become very defensive and upset no matter how diplomatically you present that criticism.
There are certain things which you should keep in mind when offering criticism.
Don’t name call such as calling someone stupid, crazy, or incompetent for doing a stupid, crazy, or incompetent thing.
Instead ask a probing question and find out what made the human do the stupid, crazy, or incompetent thing. They may surprise you by giving a reasonable answer from their point of view and what they did may not seem so stupid, crazy, and incompetent as you initially thought. After getting a subjective personal answer you may still decide that objectively what they did was stupid, crazy, or incompetent so then offer a suggestion of what you would have done instead and find out if they agree with you.
If you are a boss then you can insist that they do what is right the next time but if it is a friend then you should accept their point of view and not try to force them to change their behavior the next time around.
If you are criticizing an opinion which is not a firmly held belief which you probably will never change then ask them to give reasons for the opinion if it is one that you disagree with.
What are the reasons why you feel that way? or What facts are you using to back up your opinion? are questions which will give you a better idea of why the opinion is being held. There may not be any facts to back up the opinion and it may simply be an impulsive feeling of being right. If this is the case then you can present facts or reasons why a differing opinion is in fact right and should be held.
There are other techniques which you can use to persuade a human that your opinion is the right one to have but you should realize that you may still fail to convince another that you are right and they are in fact wrong. If the opinion is not going to affect your life in any major way then let the opinion live and don’t try to destroy it by taking a very aggressive attitude towards it and starting unnecessary confrontations or arguments.
An attitude that I am right and you are wrong is frequently the wrong approach because as in most things in life neither you nor they are completely right or wrong but both are frequently partially right and partially wrong. There are many more shades of grey such as sometimes, frequently, and not always than just black or white, yes or no.
Criticizing looks is dangerous because no one wants you to say that outfit is ugly because they impulsively feel that you are calling them personally ugly. When criticizing give some valid factual reasons why you don’t like something first. It is not my favorite color, color combination, style, pattern, or print is much better than saying it is ugly, I hate it, it is terrible, and I can’t stand it.
If you have a reputation for being honest, sincere, dependable, and trustworthy then your critical opinion will have more impact than if you have a bad or unreliable reputation and are not trusted by another. Criticisms from someone that you like are not as offensive as criticisms from someone whom you don’t like.
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Arguing is a form of verbal fighting where each side tries to dominate, win, or force the other into submission. Arguing starts in childhood with arguments about who’s turn it is, who is stronger, who is stupid, or who has the strongest or best dad or mom.
Unfortunately these largely illogical confrontations exist on into adulthood for humans who have not learned to calmly talk out, discuss, and sometimes compromise about life’s problems, situations, and differing opinions.
Adult arguments frequently lead to name calling, bad feelings of being offended, abused, wrongly criticized, or unjustly attacked. This sometimes even causes vengeful feelings or wanting to get back at and punish the offender in some way.
Arguments are inevitable in most relationships and the important thing to keep in mind is that if you were the unjust aggressor then you should apologize and say that you are sorry. Sometimes you can try to make up for the bad confrontation in some way by doing something nice or promising that you will not argue about the same thing again.
A confrontational language with a bias for yes or no, love or hate, and right or wrong communications prevents many from stopping and LISTENING CAREFULLY to each other and asking some logical questions. By calmly discussing you may actually find out that neither of you is totally wrong or right but that each has a valid point of view and that compromise or accepting another’s point of view is sometimes a logical acceptable way out.
CONCLUSION:
Arguing is childish fighting and adults should learn to communicate with almost no fighting at all for best results and healthy relationships. Listen carefully to each point of view, calmly ask some follow up questions, and discuss the situation in an adult way. When you do argue then apologize if you are the aggressor and have hurt another’s feelings or attacked another’s beliefs or opinions unjustly.
Argument: n. very intense sensory disagreement
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You can be angry at yourself, angry at mistakes, angry at another human or humans, angry at the injustice of institutions in this world, and angry at bad events.
We get angry because someone criticizes us or blames us for something which we may or may not have done. Recognize that no one is perfect, including yourself, and that if you get criticized or blamed then you may be totally or partially responsible for the bad situation.
Accept the fact that you may have to be angry at yourself and not others for something bad happening. Our overinflated ego can easily be hurt and anger is frequently the first way that we try and deal with the hurt and frequently unsuccessfully with dead end results and much unnecessary emotional turmoil.
We also get angry if someone does not listen to us or obey us when we think it is important to do so. Our spouse and offspring will frequently not listen to us and not obey us when we make demands and it is ok to get angry at young offspring who don’t know better or can’t reason well or at all.
Trying to be a dictator or tyrant or boss all the time will not work in a family setting and you should try to learn more democratic discussion and consensus building skills to be a successful leader in the family.
We also get angry if someone disagrees with an opinion which we might have on politics, sports, economics, etc. If an opposing opinion will not significantly affect work or family life then it is frequently not worth getting angry over. Live and let live in a sea of different opinions on subjects which you have little or no power over or can’t change in any significant way.
You have little or no control over politics, religion, sports, society, and economics so don’t get into heated arguments about what is not possible for one relatively powerless person to change for the better.
We also get angry if we think the world is conspiring against us and we are being victimized by it. The world has never been fair or just and will not be fair or just into the foreseeable future so stop blaming the system and try to find ways of working around it to get to your desired goals in life.
Finally we get angry at mistakes which we make which may or may not be our fault. Almost everyone makes a thousand and one mistakes in their lives and instead of getting angry one should try to learn from the mistakes and make sure that they don’t happen again or don’t happen as frequently in the future by making necessary changes in your life or changing your approach to things.
Fundamentally we get angry because our ego has been hurt or because our attempt at reaching a goal(s) has been stopped or hindered permanently or temporarily.
Getting angry is easy but suppressing the emotion and debating or discussing the situation calmly takes skill and selfcontrol which is not easy to obtain overnight.
Accepting the fact that no one is perfect including ourselves and accepting the fact that two or more humans will frequently disagree or have different opinions on a topic is vital to keep angry emotional outbursts to a minimum.
Here are 3 ways to reduce angry reactions which should work for anyone interested in managing their tendency to respond with anger first and not last:
Take a timeout:
Count to 10 before you respond is good advice because in the heat of the moment an angry remark is something which may hurt you permanently and it is not something which you can change once you have said it. Not responding for ten seconds or longer will frequently give us time to control our angry impulses and find a better answer or solution to the problem at hand.
Express your feelings and opinions in a noncombative way:
Once you have calmed down a bit don’t be confrontational or in attack mode but try to discuss the topic which made you angry in a calm collected way. Communicate the situation which caused the anger without immediately trying to control or hurt others with nasty comments and orders. Try to mutually come to an agreement on what should be done to diffuse the highly emotional situation. Let’s try to work this out in a mutually beneficial way if possible.
Instead of being combative and saying “You make me angry” say “I feel angry” and instead of “I disagree with your opinion” say “I think that my opinion has validity because-“
Learn new communication skills:
Most humans get angry and lose control of their emotions because they frequently feel helpless in a bad situation. “What do I do next?” is frequently a question which goes unanswered and an angry response is the fast easy wrong response. Learning to ask the right questions and getting answers to them are the communication skills which are necessary to navigate past a dysfunctional angry response.
Ask yourself and others who, what, where, when, why, how, and how much about angry situations. You will find out in a controlled way who or what caused the anger, where, when, and why the anger started, and how the anger can be eliminated in the future.
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If you have most of these 10 characteristics in your relationship then it is definitely a dysfunctional one and you should consider a separation as soon as possible and no therapist will probably solve your impossible situation.
You don’t trust one another, are unreliable, and don’t fulfill any promises that you make. This situation alone is reason enough to divorce or end the relationship!!!!!!
You don’t communicate with each other anymore.
You don’t spend any time doing things together.
You argue and fight all the time.
You don’t have any sex.
You constantly have thoughts about leaving the relationship.
Neither of you is happy in the dysfunctional relationship.
You have unhappy stressed out offspring.
You are financially on the verge of bankruptcy.
Your relationship is mostly bad with little if any good.
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Most bad habits deal with bad emotional control, lying, trying to change the hard or impossible to change, and letting external humans or events adversely affect the relationship.
TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SPOUSE’S PERSONALITY WITH NAGGING:
If your spouse does not take out the garbage, doesn’t like to cook, will not vacuum, and do household chores in general then it may be possible to gradually change this in the relationship eventually.
If your spouse is shy or not sociable, is a poor communicator, is not funny or humorous, is unreliable and doesn’t keep promises, is overly selfish, or is not interested in disciplining offspring then it will be almost impossible to change these basic personality types. If you do try to change your spouse’s personality then you will probably meet with failure and have to go through much nagging or complaining and fruitless arguments.
GETTING IN-LAWS INVOLVED IN RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:
Nothing is worse than engaging in-laws who take sides in a marriage and almost always find fault in one spouse and not the other. Ganging up on a spouse with in-law backup will only heighten the anger over an issue and not resolve any problem. Borrowing money from in-laws and not being able to pay it back later is also a major source of added problems in a relationship. Let the in-laws give affection and gifts to offspring but don’t get them involved in relationship problems.
FIGHTING AND EXTREME AFFECTION IN PUBLIC:
Nothing is more embarrassing than demonstrating bad communication in public by openly arguing or fighting in public. Extreme displays of affection in public are also embarrassing where modest affection is more acceptable.
TOO MUCH ARGUING AND FIGHTING AND TOO LITTLE DISCUSSION:
When there is a clash of opinions it is very easy to get emotionally angry and get into an adversarial mode instead of a calm discussion which may lead to compromise or one side deciding to not push an opinion on the other any further. A calm discussion may bring out the reason for the underlying angry emotions and reveal the important details in a problem which is begging for a solution.
Too much angry and hateful exchanges reduces the feeling that you still love one another despite your disagreements on many minor relatively unimportant issues. If the arguing is over important issues then the probability of them being resolved in anger is minimal and you should seriously work on asking questions and finding answers in a calm and controlled manner which will increase the probability that you will solve the problem or problems.
TIMING DISCUSSIONS BADLY:
Trying to calmly discuss important issues, especially financial matters, when feeling tired, stressed, or after an argument is not the right time to do so. Set aside a time, such as an hour before bedtime or a few hours after work, when you can discuss important issues in a calm and collected way without much external tension interfering with the communication.
ALLOWING JEALOUSY TO DOMINATE A RELATIONSHIP:
If your partner was promiscuous before marriage and lied to you and was not dependable then it is your own fault for marrying him or her and feeling jealous. If on the other hand you have married a reliable, honest spouse and have developed a trustworthy relationship for over a year then there is no reason why you should be consumed with jealousy.
If you have a predictable relationship and suddenly he hangs up on a call and doesn’t answer, does not answer promptly who called, suddenly there is a drop in how frequently he wants sex, or you have an impulsive feeling that he or she has changed in some unusual way then spying may be a solution to your impulsive doubts. If you have developed a mutual trusting relationship in your marriage and everything is going along smoothly then spying should not be necessary and it will only increase your doubts and keep you in a state of terminal jealousy.
LYING TO YOUR SPOUSE OR LYING TO YOURSELF:
Nothing destroys a marriage speedier than lying because it destroys a trusting relationship which is necessary for a strong bond in the marriage. Lying to yourself that honesty is not important will not make things better.
Little white lies like lying about liking a homemade meal or a dress which you don’t like may encourage you to lie about bigger things too. You may become unreliable in the promises which you make and start making stupid excuses instead. Anger, suspicion, jealousy, unsatisfaction, disappointment, and unnecessary stress all grow and can explode in an untrustworthy relationship and even end it.
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If you argue for entertainment or fun stop the bad habit because you will start unnecessary arguments impulsively with other humans when it is not appropriate.
Arguing with someone’s opinion which you disagree with will only lead to random emotional behavior which will waste time and energy without achieving a useful goal. You will not change a person’s mind with emotional righteousness and little logic but if you emphasize the important points with firmly said words you may succeed in updating their opinions which will adjust more with your own.
Don’t argue but try to discuss a topic as unemotionally as possible. If your opinion is weak and has only one or a few important provable facts use those to express disagreement. Permit your opponent to make the important points first and agree with the important ones which you also agree with. If you can’t answer an opinion with facts then remain silent and don’t push the topic further. Avoid as many arguments as you can because arguments frequently only express emotional disapproval and don’t solve any important problems.
There is no right method to argue or a wrong method to argue. All arguments are bad for you and your family and society. You will get angry at many things in your life but decrease anger as much as possible and count to 10 or even more until you are calm enough to continue a discussion and not an argument. If you can’t control your anger seek anger management help from a professional or start reading as much factual information as possible and not emotion filled literary works and hyped up emotional shows on TV and the media.
CONCLUSION: Arguing is verbal fighting or verbal abuse and one of you or both will get emotionally hurt by an argument. If you discuss any problem and use as many facts as you can come up with without getting emotional over it you will have a better chance of finding a solution. An attempted logical discussion, even if it fails, will not hurt your feelings as much and not leave you emotionally scared and wanting revenge or an apology.
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