in-laws | uldissprogis

The two most important priorities in marriage are finances and offspring. It is very smart to make sure that you are on the same page on these two topics and have similar views on spending money or perhaps even saving some. Six questions you should ask are-

How much money should we both be making before having children?

Will we have enough money saved to take care of childcare when we have a newborn or will just one of us be working for a while?

About how many offspring would you like to raise or support?

If we won $10,000 how would you spend it?

How long do you think you will be working at your current job before you either get promoted or move on to a better job elsewhere?

What kind of work do you think you will be doing ten years from now?

4 important questions to ask relate to fidelity and promiscuity which is a very important subject to discuss because next to finances adultery is the second major cause for divorce in what is turning out to be a relatively hedonous western society with an overemphasis on sex and the pursuit of pleasure.

Beware, because old bad habits are hard to break or eliminate and if your future spouse has a history of great promiscuity then the chances are great that promiscuity will continue in the future too after marriage. Another important area to probe is a possible addiction to pornography and possible kinky sexual turn-ons which should be discussed prior to marriage to see whether they may handicap a consensual sexual relationship.

Are you monogamous?

What do you consider cheating in marriage?

About how many women or men have you slept with before you met me?

What turns you on sexually?

Housework can be a source for many arguments and you should determine whose responsibility it will be beforehand or whether you will be sharing the load and be assigned tasks to do such as cleaning, doing laundry, meal preparation, doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, yardwork, gardening, etc. Hopefully you won’t get into an argument about this is women’s work or this is man’s work because routine work is work no matter who does it.

Who will be responsible for the housework or will we be sharing it and how?

In-laws can be a major source for marital disagreement especially if some of them want to get involved in your marriage. Even worse is if they decide that they want to run it for you and are always critical of one spouse and take sides in marital disagreements. It is important to get a ball park idea on how important parents and in-laws will be in a marriage, especially if they are overly critical, combative, and don’t get along well with either spouse.

How involved will we get in supporting your parents in retirement years?

What role will your family play in our marriage?

What will you do if I get into a fight with your family?

What is also important is finding out how much of an introvert or extrovert your potential spouse is. You may find a very reclusive spouse unsettling and may start complaining about being ignored. On the other hand an extreme extrovert may spend too much time with other humans and once again you may begin to feel ignored. In either case, try to find out if you are going to have to deal with an extreme introvert or an extreme extrovert which may be disruptive to marital life.

How much space or time for yourself do you need?

What things do you enjoy doing by yourself?

Many of us just live from day to day without consciously planning or thinking about the future in any significant way. Some of us do have long duration goals so it is important to know how marriage will affect those goals.

What is your goal or purpose in life and how do you envision a partner fitting into it?

Finally, compatibility is often a function of similar likes and loves so it is important to find out in some detail what your potential spouse loves, hates, likes, and dislikes. If you find out that your morality is different or that you have radically different views on raising offspring then this can become a major source of arguments, disagreements, and unnecessary turmoil.

What do you love and hate the most and what do you like and dislike?

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Most bad habits deal with bad emotional control, lying, trying to change the hard or impossible to change, and letting external humans or events adversely affect the relationship.

TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SPOUSE’S PERSONALITY WITH NAGGING:

If your spouse does not take out the garbage, doesn’t like to cook, will not vacuum, and do household chores in general then it may be possible to gradually change this in the relationship eventually.

If your spouse is shy or not sociable, is a poor communicator, is not funny or humorous, is unreliable and doesn’t keep promises, is overly selfish, or is not interested in disciplining offspring then it will be almost impossible to change these basic personality types. If you do try to change your spouse’s personality then you will probably meet with failure and have to go through much nagging or complaining and fruitless arguments.

GETTING IN-LAWS INVOLVED IN RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:

Nothing is worse than engaging in-laws who take sides in a marriage and almost always find fault in one spouse and not the other. Ganging up on a spouse with in-law backup will only heighten the anger over an issue and not resolve any problem. Borrowing money from in-laws and not being able to pay it back later is also a major source of added problems in a relationship. Let the in-laws give affection and gifts to offspring but don’t get them involved in relationship problems.

FIGHTING AND EXTREME AFFECTION IN PUBLIC:

Nothing is more embarrassing than demonstrating bad communication in public by openly arguing or fighting in public. Extreme displays of affection in public are also embarrassing where modest affection is more acceptable.

TOO MUCH ARGUING AND FIGHTING AND TOO LITTLE DISCUSSION:

When there is a clash of opinions it is very easy to get emotionally angry and get into an adversarial mode instead of a calm discussion which may lead to compromise or one side deciding to not push an opinion on the other any further. A calm discussion may bring out the reason for the underlying angry emotions and reveal the important details in a problem which is begging for a solution.

Too much angry and hateful exchanges reduces the feeling that you still love one another despite your disagreements on many minor relatively unimportant issues. If the arguing is over important issues then the probability of them being resolved in anger is minimal and you should seriously work on asking questions and finding answers in a calm and controlled manner which will increase the probability that you will solve the problem or problems.

TIMING DISCUSSIONS BADLY:

Trying to calmly discuss important issues, especially financial matters, when feeling tired, stressed, or after an argument is not the right time to do so. Set aside a time, such as an hour before bedtime or a few hours after work, when you can discuss important issues in a calm and collected way without much external tension interfering with the communication.

ALLOWING JEALOUSY TO DOMINATE A RELATIONSHIP:

If your partner was promiscuous before marriage and lied to you and was not dependable then it is your own fault for marrying him or her and feeling jealous. If on the other hand you have married a reliable, honest spouse and have developed a trustworthy relationship for over a year then there is no reason why you should be consumed with jealousy.

If you have a predictable relationship and suddenly he hangs up on a call and doesn’t answer, does not answer promptly who called, suddenly there is a drop in how frequently he wants sex, or you have an impulsive feeling that he or she has changed in some unusual way then spying may be a solution to your impulsive doubts. If you have developed a mutual trusting relationship in your marriage and everything is going along smoothly then spying should not be necessary and it will only increase your doubts and keep you in a state of terminal jealousy.

LYING TO YOUR SPOUSE OR LYING TO YOURSELF:

Nothing destroys a marriage speedier than lying because it destroys a trusting relationship which is necessary for a strong bond in the marriage. Lying to yourself that honesty is not important will not make things better.

Little white lies like lying about liking a homemade meal or a dress which you don’t like may encourage you to lie about bigger things too. You may become unreliable in the promises which you make and start making stupid excuses instead. Anger, suspicion, jealousy, unsatisfaction, disappointment, and unnecessary stress all grow and can explode in an untrustworthy relationship and even end it.

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