Tag Archives: speaking

THE TRUTH ABOUT NARRATIVE*

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Narrative: n. speaking and/or writing a communication of events which often tells a story

A narrative can be true or fictitious and is merely a subset of a story or the story itself.

 

If you liked this evergreen truth blog then read more of them, about 2700 so far, or read one or more of my evergreen truth books, especially COMMON SENSE, rays of truth in a human world filled with myths and deceptions.

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THE TRUTH ABOUT ANGER

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You can be angry at yourself, angry at another human or humans, angry at the injustice of institutions in this world, and angry at bad events.

We get angry because someone criticizes us or blames us for something which we may or may not have done. Recognize that no one is perfect, including yourself, and that if you get criticized or blamed then you may be totally or partially responsible for the bad situation. Accept the fact that you may have to be angry at yourself and not others for something bad happening. Our overinflated ego can easily be hurt and anger is frequently the first way that we try and deal with the hurt and frequently unsuccessfully with dead end results and much unnecessary emotional turmoil.

We also get angry if someone does not listen to us or obey us when we think it is important to do so. Our spouse and offspring will frequently not listen to us and not obey us when we make demands.  It is OK to get angry at young offspring who don’t know better or can’t reason well or at all. Trying to be a dictator or tyrant or boss all the time will not work in a family setting and you should try to learn more democratic discussion and consensus building skills to be a successful leader in the family.

We also get angry if someone disagrees with an opinion which we might have on politics, sports, economics, etc. If an opposing opinion will not significantly affect work or family life then it is frequently not worth getting angry over. Live and let live in a sea of different opinions on subjects which you have little or no power over or can’t change in any significant way. You have little or no control over politics, religion, sports, society, and economics so don’t get into heated arguments about what is not possible for one relatively powerless person to change for the better.

We also get angry if we think the world is conspiring against us and we are being victimized by it. The world has never been fair or just and will not be fair or just into the foreseeable future so stop blaming the system and try to find ways of working around it to get to your desired goals in life.

Finally we get angry at mistakes which we make which may or may not be our fault. Almost everyone makes a thousand and one mistakes in their lives and instead of getting angry one should try to learn from the mistakes and make sure that they don’t happen again or don’t happen as frequently in the future by making necessary changes in your life or changing your approach to things.

Fundamentally we get angry because our ego has been hurt or because our attempt at reaching a goal(s) has been stopped or hindered permanently or temporarily.

Getting angry is easy but suppressing the emotion and debating or discussing the situation calmly takes skill and selfcontrol which is not easy to obtain overnight.

Accepting the fact that no one is perfect including ourselves and accepting the fact that two or more humans will frequently disagree or have different opinions on a topic is vital to keep angry emotional outbursts to a minimum.

Here are 3 ways to reduce angry reactions which should work for anyone interested in managing their tendency to respond with anger first and not last:

Take a timeout:

Count to 10 before you respond is good advice because in the heat of the moment an angry remark is something which may hurt you permanently and it is not something which you can change once you have said it. Not responding for ten seconds or longer will frequently give us time to control our angry impulses and find a better answer or solution to the problem at hand.

Express your feelings and opinions in a noncombative way:

Once you have calmed down a bit don’t be confrontational or in attack mode but try to discuss the topic which made you angry in a calm collected way. Communicate the situation which caused the anger without immediately trying to control or hurt others with nasty comments and orders. Try to mutually come to an agreement on what should be done to diffuse the highly emotional situation. “Let’s try to work this out in a mutually beneficial way if possible.”

Instead of  being combative and saying “You make me angry” say “I feel angry” and instead of “I disagree with your opinion” say “I think that my opinion has validity because-“

Learn new communication skills:

Most humans get angry and lose control of their emotions because they frequently feel helpless in a bad situation. “What do I do next?” is frequently a question which goes unanswered and an angry response is the fast easy wrong response.  Learning to ask the right questions and getting answers to them are the communication skills which are necessary to navigate past a dysfunctional angry response. Ask yourself and others who, what, where, when, why, how, and how much about angry situations. You will find out in a controlled way who or what caused the anger, where, when, and why the anger started, and how the anger can be eliminated in the future.

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HOW TO AVOID CONFLICT WHEN COMMUNICATING

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Subset: n. thing

Someone’s beliefs may sound crazy to you but these people honestly believe subsets and have opinions which are completely illogical and unreasonable. It can be very difficult to listen to them coolly and maturely and respectfully. Pointing to the logical problems with their beliefs seldom helps. Understanding that another’s irrational beliefs were indoctrinated by bad historical myths and behaviors of their role models is smart. Live and let live without fighting about it is smart and silence is golden so don’t communicate about the wrong belief.

To determine whether an opinion is a strong belief or just an opinion potentially subject to change restate the opinion in your own words and ask. “Is it a strong belief or an opinion which we can discuss?” If the answer is that it is a strong belief then the probability that you will be able to change it is almost zero and there is no point in discussing it further.

An opinion is sometimes defended as strongly as a belief. If the opinion is important and about the functioning of the business then you should use as many examples as you can to show that your opinion is right for mutual benefit. If the opinion is about a topic which does not impact the business then don’t waste any time, energy, and money trying to change it. You can end a conversation about an emotionally intense but unimportant opinion by saying that we both have a right to our opinions even though we disagree.

Some communications start to break down with personal insults and name calling. If this happens to you stop the conversation or postpone it for a time when everyone has had a chance to cool down emotionally. “Sorry, I can’t continue the conversation” or “Let’s talk about this later or tomorrow” is the smart response to personal attacks.

Most people try to avoid conflict but this is not always possible. When in conflict with someone listen to them and you may find common ground. Try to make them understand your position by communicating understandably but firmly. One side may give in completely or a little or the conversation may increase emotionally but eventually there will be some conclusion even though it may only be a consensus that you each will remain with your own opinions or concepts.

Many employers are now using what can be called a verbal warning. The logic of a verbal warning is that it is an attempt to correct a problem before it becomes bad enough to make a formal action necessary. After getting a warning it is easy to become defensive and answer back with an objection but instead only listen to the bosses explanation with an open mind. Once you have heard the authoritative view on the subject and understand what led to the verbal warning then adjust your conversation and promise to correct your behavior if you now feel that it needs correcting.

You may want to complain to those with some power over you since we can’t always solve our own problems ourselves. Be careful not to bother someone with a problem they’re powerless to solve. Describe the problem thoroughly without exaggeration and try to only use the facts. Once you have told your supervisor the problem let them behave the best even though you may frequently disagree with their solution or solutions. If a better solution suddenly exists in your mind then offer it respectfully and see if your supervisor will approve or maintain the same opinion or same method to solve the problem.

All businesses have complaining customers. Listen carefully to the complaint to the very end since it will make the customer feel that they have been heard and understood. Continue with a question or two if you don’t understand the complaint right away. If you don’t have an immediate answer then consult with your coworkers who may have dealt with a similar problem. If your coworkers can’t solve the problem then take it to your supervisor.

One of life’s most flattering and stressful experiences is when someone asks you for constructive criticism. If you can help be honest and even tell the truth if it is bad news and not good news. Share your opinions and give them a chance to defend theirs. It’s even possible that you may change your mind. In the end what you can do is tell them the truth as you subjectively see it and they will either accept it or disagree even though sometimes in private.

Misunderstandings are common and you should try to easily avoid them. Don’t use random words but try to communicate as understandably and relevantly and politely as possible without emotional outbursts. Choosing the right truthful words should be enough but try to avoid using information which will make people feel intensely because they sincerely may not share your emotions or feelings on the subject.

Don’t express kindness and try to deceive people by trying to hide your personal feelings of superiority. This patronizing insults a person and tells them exactly what you really feel about them and unfortunately other people will have a tendency to react with approval to the patronizing.

Don’t talk to people when they say they are lucky or unlucky because luck should be a very small subset in your successful life and if you feel unlucky then it is usually your own fault that a subset didn’t work or perform as you wished.

When you ask what’s with a body subset such as a reddish eye or slurred speech be considerate because they are probably embarrassed before you communicate it. It may seem rude to start communicating the unpleasant fact but that is no reason why you can’t discuss it openly and honestly without implying disapproval.

Perhaps the hardest thing to master is to avoid conflict after easily saying NO or SORRY NO to a communication especially a favor. Justifying such a short answer can be very difficult. When we are asked to do a behavior which seems easy or enjoyable we frequently do it. Frequently saying yes to an asked favor can increase into unreasonable and impractical demands which sadly require you to create complete boundaries or you run the risk of becoming everybody’s servant and not getting paid for it.

Even if only your gut feeling is a NO answer without logical justification then say so because with enough time the NO will be accepted as a valid response without the need for revenge, enduring hurt feelings, and lingering disappointment. You also will be free of lingering regrets that you wrongly said Yes when the truthful answer should have been a NO.

The logical answer to every NO is that it is inefficient or a waste of your time, energy, money, or the wrong behavior which will waste someones time, energy, or money if the behavior is accepted and not changed or eliminated!!!!!!

If you liked this evergreen blog read more and read one or more of my evergreen books, especially COMMON SENSE.

Enjoy!!!!!!